The End of a Childhood Friend

I lost a good friend recently - an old oak tree that was one of two that held up an iron bar, a set of rings, from which ropes hung that held a wooden seat. My grandfather put it up over a century ago. My mother and her siblings, my sisters and I and my nieces, nephews, and my children all swung on it.

But a recent bad storm broke the tree in half, at the point where the tree had grown around the iron bar many, many years ago. Slowly but surely, my childhood home is going back to nature.

The acorns, the oak leaves I collected and preserved in wax paper with an iron. The red squirrels that made it their home and ran through the branches chattering and chasing one another. I didn't even hear any squirrels or even birdsong in the little woods north of the old home I grew up in.

I feel incredibly sad but realize this is how things are, always have been, and always will be. Change is the only constant...

Dust in the Wind

I sometimes drift in thought during my days. Daydream. Reflect. Streams of consciousness. Memories come flooding in from dark and dusty corners of my mind. With each of them comes a feeling, a mood, a smell, a taste. I am there again, it brings back the feelings of isolation that play off the feelings of freedom that the isolation allows, yet I realize I am lonely also. I like the power the isolation gives me to do what I want to do, but I want to share it with someone and often there is no one to share it with. I learn as I grow up to entertain myself within worlds I create in my mind. I am my own best friend, yet I yearn for much more. Here I am 50 years later, and the melancholy is still here, permeating everything in my life - my work, my friendships, my lovers. Even in the midst of happiness, I always look over my shoulder as if I'm being chased by catastrophe. Life is hard, my Irish grandmother always said. Many of us fool ourselves otherwise, but I think my Grandma had it right. That's why despite my seemingly 'doom and gloom' attitude, I actually treasure the precious moments I get in life more than most do. At the same time I treasure them, I realize they are slipping away. Solomon said it - all we are is dust in the wind...