Dust in the Wind

I sometimes drift in thought during my days. Daydream. Reflect. Streams of consciousness. Memories come flooding in from dark and dusty corners of my mind. With each of them comes a feeling, a mood, a smell, a taste. I am there again, it brings back the feelings of isolation that play off the feelings of freedom that the isolation allows, yet I realize I am lonely also. I like the power the isolation gives me to do what I want to do, but I want to share it with someone and often there is no one to share it with. I learn as I grow up to entertain myself within worlds I create in my mind. I am my own best friend, yet I yearn for much more. Here I am 50 years later, and the melancholy is still here, permeating everything in my life - my work, my friendships, my lovers. Even in the midst of happiness, I always look over my shoulder as if I'm being chased by catastrophe. Life is hard, my Irish grandmother always said. Many of us fool ourselves otherwise, but I think my Grandma had it right. That's why despite my seemingly 'doom and gloom' attitude, I actually treasure the precious moments I get in life more than most do. At the same time I treasure them, I realize they are slipping away. Solomon said it - all we are is dust in the wind...

My Health at a Glance

Procedures:

• Post endoscopic sinus surgery (Dr. Tsen in Fargo)
• Post Tonsillectomy
• Post gall bladder removal surgery
• Post kidney stone removal

Conditions diagnosed with:

• Interstitial Cystitis (IC)
• Raynaud’s Phenomenon
• Sjögren's syndrome
• Hypertension
• Hypothyroidism

History of:

• Chronic bladder & kidney infections
• Chronic sinus infections
• Irregular periods
• Periodic Amennorrhea

• Chronic anemia
• Constipation (sometimes impacted, sometimes small hard balls, sometimes thick, dark, and tar-like)
• Deep tissue pain
• Numbness of toes/ball of foot
• Periodic Plantar Fascitis
• Hear arrhythmia
• Anxiety

Medications:

• Atenanol (Hypertension & heart arrhythmia)
• Elmiron (IC)
• Evoxac (Sjögren's)
• Restasis (Sjögren's/eyes) (Dr. Scheel in Fargo)
• Levothyroxin (Hypothyroidism)
• Generic Flonaise (Periodic Rhinitis)
• Prevident (Sjögren's/dental)
• Premarin (Peri-menopausal vaginal dryness//thinning tissue)
• Nexium (GERD)
• Paxil (Anxiety)

Humility

The man who lives in the home I grew up in - the home my mother grew up in - the home my grandparents built - told my cousin Delphine (when she visited up here last month), that "...the garden grows best where the horse manure was, the horse the girl that used to live here had..." It was interesting to hear myself talked about in the abstract, second-hand, from my own cousin, from a man I had once met a couple of years ago myself, but have never known his name. He doesn't live in our old house anymore, telling my cousin that the house needs too much work and costs too much to heat, but he does putz around the place almost daily, and grows a garden on the land.

I wonder what will eventually happen to the old place. The yard, and the woods beside it, will most likely, eventually, consume the house and outbuildings, as they fold themselves back into the ground from whence they came. Like so many abandoned buildings and cities, it will be as if they never were. How fleeting it all is, and how humbling...only existing, in the memories of those of us still alive...

Finding Your History